Editor

Several years ago, Jane Patete asked Tara Barthel, a speaker who has had the great privilege of serving thousands of PCA women at retreats and conferences over the years, to share some of her hospitality experiences. To those of you who know Tara, you know to read this with a smile!!!

Don’t forget that she is a human being.

Your event speaker is undoubtedly there because she loves God and loves His people. She wants to serve! However, she is a human being-not an ATM machine. So if you schedule every single moment of her time and see that she is being bombarded with hour after hour of women wanting to speak with her and seek her counsel and care, please intervene and help her to “disconnect” so that she doesn’t fall over from pure exhaustion. (Subtopics under this one would include “don’t forget to offer your speaker occasional food & water” and “if it’s minus five degrees, be sure she has a blanket in her cabin.”)

Think carefully about who you assign to drive her to/from your event.

This may seem like a small thing, but trust me, it’s not. Most event speakers can hang in there with the best of them when it comes to wrong turns and delays due to simple driving mistakes. But when you assign your event speaker to a reckless driver who talks non-stop on her cell phone while gunning her sports car, or to a sweet but absent-minded and unsafe driver, it adds a level of stress to the event that could be easily avoided. Ditto on putting your speaker in a minivan with five troubled women and expecting her to counsel them for the entire two-hour drive to and from the event. (If you burn your speaker out, she won’t be able to serve well.)

Don’t elevate your speaker above her audience.

I can’t tell you how counterpro-ductive it is when event hosts read my professional bio aloud to introduce me. Formal education, degrees, work, and ministry experience might be interesting to a person thinking about attending an event-but no one wants to hear that at an event. The people are already in the room! And the ground is absolutely level at the foot of the cross. The best introduction I receive at events is, “This is Tara. She is Fred’s wife, Sophia Grace’s mom, and a sinner saved by grace.”

Remember that even though this is your one big women’s event for the year, it is probably one of many for her.

Please don’t expect your retreat speaker to both teach at your event and participate in all of the fun and games. She may be an extrovert who receives a lot of energy off of spending time with people and so she may want to join in with all of the festivities. But more than likely, she’ll need some down time to rest, call her family, and prepare for the next session. Be sure her room is far away from the all-night “fun” and that her name is not on her door (to avoid any 2AM drop-by visits in jammies).

Be careful how you provide her with information on your event.

She may prefer long phone chats; but more than likely, she will organize event details in writing/via email. Please don’t bombard her with contacts from multiple people on your event team. Instead, assign one woman to be the “interact with the speaker” contact person and have your team work through her. Also, whenever your event contact interacts with the speaker, be sure she identifies your event (“Florida, June 2008”) in her emails. Although it could be perfectly clear to you which event you’re talking about, she may have hundreds of details to keep straight for multiple events. This will help her to serve you better.

Think carefully about your speaker’s thank-you gift.

Huge gift baskets are really nice, but completely impractical if your speaker is running to make three flights home to her family at the close of your event. Ditto on the hand-blown glass trinket. If she is married and has children, consider remembering them. (Gift certificates for date nights are always appreciated!) As a general rule of thumb, unless you plan on mailing it to her, avoid gifts that can’t be taken in a carry-on (and that includes lotions/liquids over 3 oz) or anything that requires bubble-wrap.

Make sure she has water (or whatever else she needs).

Not to sound too speaker-centric but if your speaker can’t get to water and she’s teaching for five or six hours, things are not going to go well. Consider assigning a happy and hospitable woman to keep an eye on the speaker and find ways to serve her. (Some of the off-the-chart generous things that have blessed my socks off have been having a woman do my ironing-especially when my flight was late and things were rushed, assigning someone to strip my linens and deal with my “self-cleaning” room requirements at more “rustic” retreat settings, and making sure someone was there to help with the baby when Sophie was a newborn.)

I hope these ideas help the ministry of your event to be even more effective! It is such an honor and a joy to serve you.

Tennessee Valley is a PresWIC council that understands the theological and covenantal purpose of women’s ministry. Co-chairman Sandy Hartley says, “Our mission is clear: to train and equip presbytery and local women’s leadership, Bible study leaders, and Directors of Women’s Ministries. We train leaders to train and equip others. We encourage these leaders to come to our annual Leadership Training Conference (LT) hosted by CEP for this purpose.”

Cathy Wilson, Women’s Ministry Advisory Sub-Committee Representative for the Mid-America Region, introduces Tennessee Valley PresWIC, comprised of churches from Tennessee and Georgia. Note their purpose and planning that models connectedness among their churches.

Hearing at LT about the Big Picture of who we are as God’s Church, His presence in His people, and as such our purpose and privilege to glorify Him in this world as He extends His Kingdom, was a fabulous foundation for the Mid-America region to then begin discussing who we are and brainstorming what that meant for our women–as a denomination, as a region, as PresWICs and as local church bodies. It was a thrill to watch Tennessee Valley with its rich history and with its diversity of churches, ages, and backgrounds come together as a PresWIC with this big picture in view. During a break at LT, they planned out how they would transfer this vision to the women “back home.” The newer, younger members and their ideas were assimilated into the vision of those on whose shoulders they stand. As an outsider looking in, it was encouraging to see Titus 2 ministry at work, as well as women understanding and living their creation design in God’s body. Because every group is a mix of personalities and views, this is not a smooth road. However, through prayer and an understanding of the big picture and a focus on God’s glory, this group of women are connecting their churches and women in new ways so that God’s church might work connectively to glorify Him and make Him known.

The Tennessee Valley PresWIC was formed soon after the PCA became a denomination in 1973. Like many, the PresWIC had a strong beginning, but weakened with time until there was very little or no PresWIC activity. In 1998, a Tennessee Valley Presbytery CE Chairman called the denominational office (CEP) asking for help in getting a presbytery-wide women’s ministry going again. A steering committee was formed from local church leadership. Martha Lovelady, representing the steering committee, “cast a vision” of being “Christian women united in the Lord” at their first presbytery event, a luncheon. That day, she became a spiritual mother to many who “caught” the vision. So, TN Valley was brought back to life to become a thriving body of Christian women, united in purpose to glorify God in its ministry to women.

This year still finds Tennessee Valley leadership functioning under its mission statement to train and equip local WIC leadership. The annual CEP Leadership Training Conference is a priority to this team. Excited to share what they learned, the program committee applied the 2008 LT training to the purpose of their spring event. “Your Piece of the Big Picture” was a variation of the “Big Picture” theme of the Leadership Training Conference. In her devotional, Sandy Hartley, co-chairman, gave an understanding of women’s ministries placed under three “umbrellas of protection.”

The denominational level of care and concern. The General Assembly placed us under the pro-tection of PCA’s Christian Education and Publications where the office of Coordinator of Women’s Ministries exists. This keeps us all running on the same track.

The protection of the presbytery. Tennessee Valley women know that they have the backing of funds and prayers of their elders. They want a member of presbytery to be present at each meeting. Also “being involved at the presbytery level with women keeps us connected to each other.”

The third level is “the local church session with the teaching and ruling elders giving their protection to the women’s ministry in the church.”

Sandy stated, “I am thankful that we have umbrellas of a denomination, presbytery and local church that provide sound doctrine to our people in our women’s ministries.” What a wonderful overview of the big picture!

A take away idea for PresWICs and local churches!

In order to enhance living covenantally, each church in the Tennessee Valley Presbytery was given a survey sheet to fill out and return to the PresWIC council so that they can compile information on demographics, ministries, Bible studies, and resources to use at their fall meeting. The purpose of this Women’s Ministry Connections Guide is “to be a resource of encouragement through connecting women’s ministries and their leaders.” It should be a helpful tool for knowing the different pieces of Tennessee Valley within the Big Picture!

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by Paige Benton
(November 10, 2009)

Paige is a graduate of Covenant Theological Seminary and has served on staff of the PCA ‘s Reformed University Fellowship at Vanderbilt University.

Had I any vague premonition of my pre­sent plight when I was six, I would have demanded that Stephen Herbison (incontestably the catch of the second grade) put his marriage proposal into writing and have it notarized. I do want this piece to be practical, so to all you first-graders: CARPE DIEM.

Over the past several years I have perfected the artistry of escape regarding any singles functions— cook-outs, conferences, Sunday school classes, and my personal favorite, putt-putt. My avoidance mechanism is triggered not so much by a lack of patience with such activities as it is by a lack of stomach for the pervasive attitudes. Thoreau insists that most men lead lives of quiet desperation; I insist that many singles lead lives of loud aggrava­tion. Being immersed in singles can be like finding yourself in the midst of “The Whiners” of 1980’s Saturday Night Live— it gives a whole new meaning to “pity party.”

Much has been written in Christian circles about singleness. The objective is usually either to chide the married population for their misunderstanding and segregationism or to empathize with the unmarried popula­tion as they bear the cross of ”’Plan B” for the Christian life, bolstered only by the consolation prizes of innumerable sermons on I Corinthians 7 and the fact that you can cut your toenails in bed. Yet singles, like all believers, need scriptural critique and instruction seasoned by sober grace, not con­dolences and putt-putt accompanied with pious platitudes.

John Calvin’s secret to sanctification is the interaction of die knowledge of God and knowledge of self. Singles, like all other sin­ners, typically dismiss the first element of the formula, and therein lies the root of all identi­ty crises. It is not that hell hath no fury like a woman scorned, but that life has no tragedy like our God ignored. Every problem is a the­ological problem, and the habitual discontent of us singles is no exception.

Can God be any less good to me on the average Tuesday morning than he was on that monumental Friday afternoon when he hung on a cross in my place? The answer is a resounding NO. God will not be less good to me tomorrow either, because God cannotbe less good to me. His goodness is not the effect of his disposition, but die essence of his person— not an attribute.

I long to be married. My younger sister got married two months ago. She now has an adoring husband, a beautiful home, a whirlpool bathtub, and all-new Corning ware. Is God being any less good to me? It is a cosmic impossibility for God to shortchange any of his children. God can no more live in me apart from the perfect fullness of his goodness and grace than I can live in Nashville and not be white. If he fluctuated one quark in his goodness he would cease to be God.

Warped theology is at the heart of attempts to “explain” singleness:

• “As soon as you’re satisfied with God alone, he’ll bring someone special into your life”— as though God’s blessings are ever earned by our contentment.
• “You’re too picky”— as though God is frustrated by our fickle whims and needs broader parameters in which to work.
• “As a single you can commit yourself wholeheartedly to the Lord’s work”— as though God requires emotional martyrs to do his work, of which marriage must be no part.
• “Before you can marry someone wonder­ful the Lord has to make you someone wonderful” — as though God grants mar­riage as a second blessing to the satisfactorily sanctified.

Accepting singleness, whether temporary or permanent, does not hinge on speculation about answers God has not given to our list of whys, but rather on celebration of the life he has given. I am not single because I am too spiritually unstable to possibly deserve a hus­band, nor because I am too spiritually mature to possibly need one. I am single because God is so abundantly good to me, because this is his best for me. It is a cosmic impossi­bility that anything could be better for me right now than being single. The psalmists confirm that I should not want, I shall not want, because no good thing will God with­hold from me.

Such knowledge of God must transform sub­sequent knowledge of self— theological read­justment is always the catalyst for renewed self-awareness. This keeps identity right-side-up with nouns and modifiers in their correct place. Am I a Christian single or am I a single Christian? The discrepancy in grammatical construction may be somewhat subtle, but the difference in mindset is profound. “Which word is determinative and which is descrip­tive? You see, we singles are chronic amnesi­acs— we forget who we are. we forget whose we are. I am a single Christian. My identity is not found in my marital status, but in my redemptive status. I am one of the “haves,” not one of the “have-nots.”

Have you ever wondered at what age one is officially single? Perhaps a sliding scale is in order: 38 for a Wall Street tycoon; 21 for a Mississippi sorority girl; 14 for a Zulu princess; and five years older than I am for me. It is a relevant question because at some point we see ourselves as “single;’ and that point is a place of greater danger than despair. Singleness can be a mere euphemism for self-absorption — now is the “you time.” No wife to support? No husband to pamper? Well, then, by all means join three different golf courses, get a weekly pedicure, raise emus, subscribe to People.

Singleness is never carte blanche for selfish­ness. A spouse is not a sufficient countermeasure for self. The gospel is the only antidote for egocentricity. Christ did not come simply to save us from our sins, he came to save us from our selves. And he most often rescues us from us through relationships, all kinds of relationships.

“‘Are you seeing anyone special?” a young matron in my home church asked patronizingly. “Sure,” I smiled. “I see you and you’re special.”

OK, my sentiment was a little less than kind, but the message is true.

To be single is not to be alone. If someone asks if you are in a relationship right now, your immediate response should be that you are in dozens. Our range of relational options are not limited to getting married or to living in die sound-proof, isolated booth of Miss America pageants. Christian growth mandates relational richness.

The only time folks talk about human covenants is in premarital counseling. How anemic. If our God is a covenantal God then all of our relationships are covenantal. The gospel is not about how much I love God (I typically love him very little); it is about how much God loves me. My relationships are not about how much friends should love me, they are about how much I get to love them. No single should ever expect relational impoverishment by virtue of being single. We should covenant to love people, to initiate, to serve, to commit.

Many of my Vanderbilt girls have been reading Lady in Waiting, a popular book for Christian women struggling with singleness. That’s all fine and dandy, but what about a subtitle: And Meanwhile, Lady, Get Working. It is a cosmic impossibility for God to require less of me in my relationships than he does of die mother of four whose office is next door. Obedience knows no ages or stages.

Let’s face it: singleness is not an inherently inferior state of affairs. If it were, heaven would be inferior to this world for the majority of Christians (Mom is reconciled to being unmarried in glory as long as she can be Daddy’s roommate). But I want to be married. I pray to that end every day. I may meet someone and walk down the aisle in die next couple of years because God is so good to me. I may never have another date and die an old maid at 93 because God is so good to me. Not my will, but His be done. Until then I am claiming as my theme verse, “If any man would come after me, let him…”

 

Reprinted with permission from re: generation quarterly.- Volume 3, Number 3.

 

Q&A with Paige Benton

What are some mistakes that we often make in ministering to singles?

The easiest thing to do is to create another “singles” program; another spoke in our “WIC Umbrella. This continually marginalizes the singles— it forces them out. We all need to ”watch our language.” Here are the top ten things not to say to a single:

1. “As soon as you are content— God will bring the right man into your life.”
2. “Before you find someone wonderful— you have to be someone wonderful!”
3. ”You’re too picky!”
4. “Are you seeing anyone special?”
5. ”’Getting married doesn’t solve all your problems.”
6. “You are such a wonderful person, I just can’t believe you aren’t married!”
7. “Why haven’t you ever married?”
8. “You need to let the Lord meet al! of your needs and find your sufficiency in Him.”
9. ”God has someone especially picked out for you— you just need to wait.”
10.  “As a single you can commit yourself wholeheartedly to the Lord’s work!”

What should we be doing?

The key thing is to bring singles into the life of the church family! The last thing they want is more time with other singles. Invite us home to eat with your family. It’s nice to be in a home. We want to be treated like everyone else. We don’t want to be treated “special.” The church needs to help build covenantal relationships/friendships among its members.

Yes! If God is a priority to us, then people must be a priority.

• Setting aside our agenda for them, I know that for those of you with pre-school children, carpooling, little-league practice—all of this is very difficult. Call the singles and invite them to drive with you to take the kids to soccer. Get them involved and show them that they are a priority, not a convenience. Talk to them about the things that are priorities in your life and things that are priorities in their lives.
• There must be the elements of passion and compassion in developing our covenantal friendships with singles. Do you often think “I’ve done my good deed by having a single for lunch?” Do you think that saying “I love you,” “call me if you need me,” is enough? Are you really giving to these people, including them, treating them as you treat your other friends? Passion and compassion translates into action.
• Many of you are in the wife/mother stage and you ask, “How do I relate to singles?”We have so much more in common than we have not in common! Just think, we have the Lord Jesus in common, we belong to die same church— isn’t this enough to build a covenantal friendship?

An important word to those who are single.

Covenantal relationships are a two-way street: singles must be willing to move out and not wait for others to reach out to them! We need to be all that we have talked about.[/vc_column_text][/vc_column][/vc_row]