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by Paige Benton
(November 10, 2009)

Paige is a graduate of Covenant Theological Seminary and has served on staff of the PCA ‘s Reformed University Fellowship at Vanderbilt University.

Had I any vague premonition of my pre­sent plight when I was six, I would have demanded that Stephen Herbison (incontestably the catch of the second grade) put his marriage proposal into writing and have it notarized. I do want this piece to be practical, so to all you first-graders: CARPE DIEM.

Over the past several years I have perfected the artistry of escape regarding any singles functions— cook-outs, conferences, Sunday school classes, and my personal favorite, putt-putt. My avoidance mechanism is triggered not so much by a lack of patience with such activities as it is by a lack of stomach for the pervasive attitudes. Thoreau insists that most men lead lives of quiet desperation; I insist that many singles lead lives of loud aggrava­tion. Being immersed in singles can be like finding yourself in the midst of “The Whiners” of 1980’s Saturday Night Live— it gives a whole new meaning to “pity party.”

Much has been written in Christian circles about singleness. The objective is usually either to chide the married population for their misunderstanding and segregationism or to empathize with the unmarried popula­tion as they bear the cross of ”’Plan B” for the Christian life, bolstered only by the consolation prizes of innumerable sermons on I Corinthians 7 and the fact that you can cut your toenails in bed. Yet singles, like all believers, need scriptural critique and instruction seasoned by sober grace, not con­dolences and putt-putt accompanied with pious platitudes.

John Calvin’s secret to sanctification is the interaction of die knowledge of God and knowledge of self. Singles, like all other sin­ners, typically dismiss the first element of the formula, and therein lies the root of all identi­ty crises. It is not that hell hath no fury like a woman scorned, but that life has no tragedy like our God ignored. Every problem is a the­ological problem, and the habitual discontent of us singles is no exception.

Can God be any less good to me on the average Tuesday morning than he was on that monumental Friday afternoon when he hung on a cross in my place? The answer is a resounding NO. God will not be less good to me tomorrow either, because God cannotbe less good to me. His goodness is not the effect of his disposition, but die essence of his person— not an attribute.

I long to be married. My younger sister got married two months ago. She now has an adoring husband, a beautiful home, a whirlpool bathtub, and all-new Corning ware. Is God being any less good to me? It is a cosmic impossibility for God to shortchange any of his children. God can no more live in me apart from the perfect fullness of his goodness and grace than I can live in Nashville and not be white. If he fluctuated one quark in his goodness he would cease to be God.

Warped theology is at the heart of attempts to “explain” singleness:

• “As soon as you’re satisfied with God alone, he’ll bring someone special into your life”— as though God’s blessings are ever earned by our contentment.
• “You’re too picky”— as though God is frustrated by our fickle whims and needs broader parameters in which to work.
• “As a single you can commit yourself wholeheartedly to the Lord’s work”— as though God requires emotional martyrs to do his work, of which marriage must be no part.
• “Before you can marry someone wonder­ful the Lord has to make you someone wonderful” — as though God grants mar­riage as a second blessing to the satisfactorily sanctified.

Accepting singleness, whether temporary or permanent, does not hinge on speculation about answers God has not given to our list of whys, but rather on celebration of the life he has given. I am not single because I am too spiritually unstable to possibly deserve a hus­band, nor because I am too spiritually mature to possibly need one. I am single because God is so abundantly good to me, because this is his best for me. It is a cosmic impossi­bility that anything could be better for me right now than being single. The psalmists confirm that I should not want, I shall not want, because no good thing will God with­hold from me.

Such knowledge of God must transform sub­sequent knowledge of self— theological read­justment is always the catalyst for renewed self-awareness. This keeps identity right-side-up with nouns and modifiers in their correct place. Am I a Christian single or am I a single Christian? The discrepancy in grammatical construction may be somewhat subtle, but the difference in mindset is profound. “Which word is determinative and which is descrip­tive? You see, we singles are chronic amnesi­acs— we forget who we are. we forget whose we are. I am a single Christian. My identity is not found in my marital status, but in my redemptive status. I am one of the “haves,” not one of the “have-nots.”

Have you ever wondered at what age one is officially single? Perhaps a sliding scale is in order: 38 for a Wall Street tycoon; 21 for a Mississippi sorority girl; 14 for a Zulu princess; and five years older than I am for me. It is a relevant question because at some point we see ourselves as “single;’ and that point is a place of greater danger than despair. Singleness can be a mere euphemism for self-absorption — now is the “you time.” No wife to support? No husband to pamper? Well, then, by all means join three different golf courses, get a weekly pedicure, raise emus, subscribe to People.

Singleness is never carte blanche for selfish­ness. A spouse is not a sufficient countermeasure for self. The gospel is the only antidote for egocentricity. Christ did not come simply to save us from our sins, he came to save us from our selves. And he most often rescues us from us through relationships, all kinds of relationships.

“‘Are you seeing anyone special?” a young matron in my home church asked patronizingly. “Sure,” I smiled. “I see you and you’re special.”

OK, my sentiment was a little less than kind, but the message is true.

To be single is not to be alone. If someone asks if you are in a relationship right now, your immediate response should be that you are in dozens. Our range of relational options are not limited to getting married or to living in die sound-proof, isolated booth of Miss America pageants. Christian growth mandates relational richness.

The only time folks talk about human covenants is in premarital counseling. How anemic. If our God is a covenantal God then all of our relationships are covenantal. The gospel is not about how much I love God (I typically love him very little); it is about how much God loves me. My relationships are not about how much friends should love me, they are about how much I get to love them. No single should ever expect relational impoverishment by virtue of being single. We should covenant to love people, to initiate, to serve, to commit.

Many of my Vanderbilt girls have been reading Lady in Waiting, a popular book for Christian women struggling with singleness. That’s all fine and dandy, but what about a subtitle: And Meanwhile, Lady, Get Working. It is a cosmic impossibility for God to require less of me in my relationships than he does of die mother of four whose office is next door. Obedience knows no ages or stages.

Let’s face it: singleness is not an inherently inferior state of affairs. If it were, heaven would be inferior to this world for the majority of Christians (Mom is reconciled to being unmarried in glory as long as she can be Daddy’s roommate). But I want to be married. I pray to that end every day. I may meet someone and walk down the aisle in die next couple of years because God is so good to me. I may never have another date and die an old maid at 93 because God is so good to me. Not my will, but His be done. Until then I am claiming as my theme verse, “If any man would come after me, let him…”

 

Reprinted with permission from re: generation quarterly.- Volume 3, Number 3.

 

Q&A with Paige Benton

What are some mistakes that we often make in ministering to singles?

The easiest thing to do is to create another “singles” program; another spoke in our “WIC Umbrella. This continually marginalizes the singles— it forces them out. We all need to ”watch our language.” Here are the top ten things not to say to a single:

1. “As soon as you are content— God will bring the right man into your life.”
2. “Before you find someone wonderful— you have to be someone wonderful!”
3. ”You’re too picky!”
4. “Are you seeing anyone special?”
5. ”’Getting married doesn’t solve all your problems.”
6. “You are such a wonderful person, I just can’t believe you aren’t married!”
7. “Why haven’t you ever married?”
8. “You need to let the Lord meet al! of your needs and find your sufficiency in Him.”
9. ”God has someone especially picked out for you— you just need to wait.”
10.  “As a single you can commit yourself wholeheartedly to the Lord’s work!”

What should we be doing?

The key thing is to bring singles into the life of the church family! The last thing they want is more time with other singles. Invite us home to eat with your family. It’s nice to be in a home. We want to be treated like everyone else. We don’t want to be treated “special.” The church needs to help build covenantal relationships/friendships among its members.

Yes! If God is a priority to us, then people must be a priority.

• Setting aside our agenda for them, I know that for those of you with pre-school children, carpooling, little-league practice—all of this is very difficult. Call the singles and invite them to drive with you to take the kids to soccer. Get them involved and show them that they are a priority, not a convenience. Talk to them about the things that are priorities in your life and things that are priorities in their lives.
• There must be the elements of passion and compassion in developing our covenantal friendships with singles. Do you often think “I’ve done my good deed by having a single for lunch?” Do you think that saying “I love you,” “call me if you need me,” is enough? Are you really giving to these people, including them, treating them as you treat your other friends? Passion and compassion translates into action.
• Many of you are in the wife/mother stage and you ask, “How do I relate to singles?”We have so much more in common than we have not in common! Just think, we have the Lord Jesus in common, we belong to die same church— isn’t this enough to build a covenantal friendship?

An important word to those who are single.

Covenantal relationships are a two-way street: singles must be willing to move out and not wait for others to reach out to them! We need to be all that we have talked about.[/vc_column_text][/vc_column][/vc_row]

Getting to the Heart of Intergenerational Relationships

In this first issue, Ashley, would you start with the question of why a discussion about intergenerational relationships is needed and set the context for the more specific questions to follow in the next issue?

At twenty-three, almost turning twenty-four, I was interviewed and hired for the position of women’s ministry director. Upon beginning my job, I came face to face with the question of what does it look like to have gospel friendships with ladies who are much older than I–friendships that tug both ways, friendships that allowed me to try to minister to them, while then leaning on them to help me grow up in all of the other areas of life? Furthermore, how could I get the younger generation of women to begin being involved and committed to our women’s ministry in such a way that brought older and younger into the same room, serving God for His glory, and building friendships with one another. After all, we need one another…but do we really understand one another? A discussion about these relationships is needed because at the outset, we do not understand one another.

When we attempt intergenerational relationships, we often feel the tug of many tensions, varying viewpoints, and differing expectations. Some of the tensions we can attempt to understand, others can cause the other side to have insecurities and frustrations. Getting to the heart of the assumptions and expectations that both the older and the younger have for what relationships and ministry should and needs to look like was my starting place and is now our starting place for this discussion. I desired to understand their hearts and saw this as fundamental if I was going to win them over to a young one. So to that end, I hope to provide a bit of fodder to help readers begin this thinking and dialogue process in their own churches. Let’s begin by delving into my generation . . .Generation Me.

Great Expectations of Generation Me: Today’s under 40 generation (born in the 1970s, 1980s, and 1990s) is known as Generation Me. In contrast to the Boomers, this generation has never known a world that put duty before self. Whitney Houston’s No. 1 hit in 1985 summarized it all–“The Greatest Love of All” is loving yourself. Elementary school teachers saw their most important job as helping kids feel good about themselves. Coloring books with the title We Are All Special dominated, and you got a sticker just for filling out your worksheet. It is quite typical for a sixth grade project to be called “All About Me.” The individual has always come first, and feeling good about yourself has always been a primary virtue.

Generation Me’s expectations are highly optimistic: they expect to go to college, to make lots of money, and perhaps even to be famous. Yet this generation enters a world in which college admissions are increasingly competitive, good jobs are hard to find and harder to keep, and basic necessities like housing and health care have skyrocketed in price. This is a time of soaring expectations and crushing realities. Generation Me is not self-absorbed, they are self-important. They take it for granted that they are independent, social individuals, so they don’t really think about it. On the positive side, as long as time spent volunteering does not conflict with other goals, Generation Me finds fulfillment in helping others. They want to make a difference. But, they want to do it their own way. Generation Me is driven by a longing for relationship, yet quite often, they do not know what healthy relationships really should look like. They long to be known; hence they share their lives openly on Facebook, via text messages, and through tweets. But what they did not expect was that even though they have hundreds of friends on Facebook, they still feel lonely; and they still don’t really know how to make relationships work in the hallway of church with people they don’t know. Positively, Generation Me wants to serve. They are far more likely to sign up for a service or missions project than they are to come to a lunch. They have a desire for depth of biblical teaching and content in their Bible study and discussions that truly engage the Bible. This generation, though they may have some lofty expectations, genuinely wants to be part of the church…Welcome to Generation Me.¹

Great Expectations of the Boomers: Classical evangelicalism is what took shape following World War II. What stood out and what still does, is the commitment that Boomers have to doctrinal soundness. A commitment to right doctrine and theology was a pendulum swing from what had occurred in the 1920s (and in the 1970s for our denomination)–a move towards liberalism. The liberals declared that Christianity was about deeds, not creeds–life, not doctrine. The conservative opponents were the ones who said, “wait a minute, it’s about both deeds and creeds–it’s about doctrine and life.”

Boomers have a great sense of duty, which is something that Generation Me lacks and which puzzles and at times can frustrate the Boomers. The things that Boomers consider to be duty will be attended to and taken care of, which makes them very reliable within the church ministries. Boomers also have a sense of accomplishment. What they have worked for and towards over the course of many years are very significant and important to the Boomers. It can be easy for them to feel like the new ideas of the young ones means that the way that they have done things is wrong and that their sacrifice and accomplishment no longer matters. Likely if I polled the Boomer Generation readers, you would tell me that you know the value of a solid, biblical program and the power that it has to affect our daily living. When the Boomers and the generations above them hear of a problem in the church, often times the answer is more teaching, more content, plan a program, or have a retreat. Boomers, you see, value the some of the parts as greater than the sum of the individual.

You can already feel the tensions that will be present when you match a Boomer with Generation Me in thinking through ministry ideas! Generation Me’s individualism is difficult for the Boomer to understand, for they have seen important growth within the body and within community. Shared ideas, many hands, and group thinking are how they have known to form community and build commitment to ministry. Of course these ways are good. All are used by God and all instruct, encourage, equip, and edify His people. But, Generation Me will counter that programs do not automatically mean that the “life” and “growth” part of the equation is happening. And that’s where Generation Me comes in and takes on the other side of the equation with full-force.

Gospel Realities: The first reality that we find in every church is that the pews are filled with both age groups. God has designed our church bodies so that we cannot escape the tensions! Our women’s ministries are comprised of Boomers and Generation Me… and the two have to come together to do ministry!

How does the gospel speak to these very different viewpoints and help us to relate to one another?

The posture for intergenerational relationships and ministry involves sacrificial love and humility. Jesus lived a life of humility and sacrificial love. “Do nothing from rivalry or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others. Have this mind among yourselves, which is yours in Christ Jesus, who, though he was in the form of God, did not count equality with God a thing to be grasped, but made himself nothing, taking the form of a servant, being born in the likeness of men” (Philippians 2:3-7). Paul’s answer to people who are desirous to pursue their own way and to achieve the goals they think are important, is to consider Christ. Women in ministry, mothers with daughters, ladies young and old, do we see this desire in ourselves–to pursue our own way and achieve the goals that we think are important? Consider the Son of God who laid aside everything that He had and took on the form of a servant, a dulos, a slave, for our sakes. There isn’t a quadrant of life that Christ didn’t enter into for our sakes to serve us. His life was not about Himself, His agenda, or His rights…though, He above all earthly powers, had genuine access to those rights. Christ counted us as more important than Himself–for us, sinners, Christ laid aside glory to come to this earth to save us. This is the gospel. “Greater love has no one than this, that someone lay down his life for his friends” (John 15:13). The gospel calls us to die for one another joyfully and willingly. This laying down of our lives for others comes with a call to mortify the temptation to demand that we be related to in the way that we want or the way that we think is best. Sacrificial love seeks to reach out and relate to another generation according to what they need, without insisting upon your own rights.

In intergenerational ministry, there is a tendency for both sides to want to do things “their way.” The gospel says that this is not an option. If you love the younger girls, you are willing to die for them. Younger ladies, if you love the older, you must be willing to step toward them rather than insisting that they change their ways first. We are to be like Christ, to do what He did. Are you willing to lay aside your agendas for your churches, for your women’s ministries, for relationships with other generations, taking on the humble posture of a slave and a servant? In humility and weakness and out of the great love that He demonstrates to us, will you go and do likewise, considering others as better than yourself? Can we set aside our own needs and desires for the sake of another? Is this our posture–humble and sacrificial–with the younger women, with the older ladies?

Click here to read Part 2 of this article

1 Some excerpts taken from Generation Me by Jean M. Twinge.